Two Lives

November 2, 2014

*Reader submission, photo of author*

 

I’ve been given two lives.

 

One I lived for me. Selfishly driven, constantly victimized, and soul depleting. 

 

In my first life, I constantly sought the extreme. I sought the feeling of numbness. I sought to meet the criteria of anything that fed the part of me I couldn’t explain.

 

Everyone has a soul. It’s pure. It’s warm. It’s the definition of love and the wholesome feeling of all the gushy emotions and kindness my first life wanted nothing to do with. 

 

My first life felt like the only one I ever wanted to experience. I often made deals with myself that in a certain timeline I would try to live in a different way. It never panned out. 

 

Within seconds of my negotiations with my webbed mind, I would find myself gasping in the baking soda ridden smoke I signed my soul over to. 

 

Every single day the world got darker, and every single day I allowed it to. 

 

When my first grade teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I didn’t tell her I strived to become a needle addicted soulless fiend who felt taking a shower might corrupt the pure bliss a heroin high gave her. 

 

The truth is, I really didn’t know what I wanted to be. The truth is, I didn’t even know what was behind the mask I wore that changed depending on who I was around. 

 

Something erupted within me and gave me a split second to feel a soul was still present. It gave me hope that maybe a different existence could happen. 

 

I could never explain in words what the feeling of the hope I felt that day was. 

It was pure. It was soulful. It was a glimpse into what I was before I lived in a black hole. 

 

Through uncovering the selfish soot and altering the victimizing perception,

I started to climb into a new life. 

 

It wasn’t that I had to change the world. I had to change the way I looked at the world. 

 

Today I live in light. 

 

Opportunities approached me unexpectedly from the start. I found within a month of being toxin free, a child was being created within me. 

 

I felt the most overwhelming connection to love when I created a new soul. 

 

To me, that was the true beginning to my second life. 

 

When you look into the little girls eyes you generated within your body, you learn a whole new type of love. 

 

As I write this, I reminisce to the darkness I was wrapped inside of. Not one part of me knew who I was, or who I wanted to be. 

 

I made deals with myself to change, but I didn’t know what that meant. 

 

Today I can breathe with contentment knowing that my life now is the second life I never knew I desired. 

 

I’ve been given two lives. I needed the dark one, to capture the light. 

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